Here is a sad story

I want to die. This is just a partial truth, but I am very afraid of that partial is truth. I am afraid enough of death and the "unknowns" involve with dying, like what happens after, that I am certain I will not do it today, or maybe not even tomorrow.

But I do find myself over the last 8 or so years walking in that direction. Now I just do not know if it is just me slowly convincing myself to kill myself, or me just living and dying while all these thoughts run through my life.

The writings.

Why am I writing this and what do I hope to achieve with this. Well while I write, I am not killing myself, so that is a start. I could just be posting in this on X, but.... I feel like there are some really really nice people who follow me and I am afraid if I put out that truly wild shit on that platform I would loose my account or the closest thing to friendship I have experienced in a long time, that is it.

What to expect?

From me? I really don't know what I can promise you. Nothing I think. There are no promises I can make to anyone. Which I think is part of the problem you know? I cannot be responsible for anything. I honestly thought I would have a house, a car, maybe some time free of my mind thinking about my bank account. This seems like a far off dream. And that truly makes me sad.

So yeah. "Don't die" - is my motto, not in the Brian Armstrong kinda way. In my own, do not commit suicide kinda way.

Anyway more to come. I hope - follow me on X: https://x.com/eternal_naps